We’ve known since pre-kindergarten that saying “thank you” is important. But now that you and your co-workers are (mostly) done with lining up for lunch and recess, we need to find a way to move beyond the words. We’ve all heard, “Thanks!” thrown over someone’s shoulder as they run past you to a meeting carrying your last month’s worth of work. Your mental response: “Yeah right. Wish you really meant that.” Then you went through the rest of your day feeling unappreciated and overworked, while the “thanker” patted him/herself on the back for remembering to show gratitude. So how can we make the words feel more meaningful and genuine?

In this post, I’m guided by a study of workers’ preferences for gratitude.* I was pleased to read there that my early childhood lessons were right: “thank you” matters. Studies reinforce the belief that employee satisfaction is correlated with a culture of gratitude, and employees who are told their work is appreciated do express more well-being at work. For workers, managers are the personification of their employer – if the manager expresses true appreciation, the worker tends to report higher belief that the organization as a whole appreciates their work. (Similarly, managers view mistreatment by their individual boss as evidence that the entire organization does not appreciate them.) Saying “thank you” fulfills the “psychological contract” between workers and managers, as it assures a worker his or her efforts are not taken for granted. Research has shown, people who feel valued by their companies have a greater sense of responsibility toward their employers and stronger emotional attachment to the company.

Still, there’s a “dark side” to appreciation. When employees hear “thank you” but don’t get the message their work is individually important to the organization, they start to lose faith and trust. You know that impersonal feeling when everyone on the team, regardless of contribution, receives the same gift card? When a company-wide cake is the reward for the three workers’ all-nighters? When even the losing team gets a juice box?

So how do you make sure people know your “thank you” is genuine? Try these tips:

1-Be face-to-face. Even easily embarrassed introverts report they enjoy brief, heartfelt “thank you so much” with eye contact, a handshake, and a smile. This humanizes the exchange and when you focus individually on the person you’re thanking, helps convey your sincerity.

2-Be specific. “You’re doing great” is nice to hear for a second, but quickly loses its importance. Instead, try something like, “I so appreciate your ability to look at a report and figure out what’s missing – you saw the patterns and told me what additional data we needed, and that was very valuable. Thank you.”

3-Be timely and consistent. Express your gratitude when the work is fresh in both your mind and that of the worker. Also, say “thank you” consistently – maybe even slightly more than you think you should. In the study referenced here*, almost half of employees said they wanted to receive thanks from their managers more often.

4-Don’t forget the small gifts. Even a $3 gift card or muffin goes a long way. If 1 in 5 of your special attempts at gratitude include the employee’s favorite mocha, you’ll see their appreciation increase. Don’t think you should bring something every time, however. When repeated, gifts lose their meaning. When you come with donuts three Wednesdays in a row, expect to see folks with napkins at the ready when you arrive on Wednesday #4 – and likely not able to tell you what those treats are supposed to be thanking them for. Couple gifts with personalized, specific feedback for maximum result.

5-Ask people what they want. “How do you want to be appreciated?” is a valid question, and one that will give you terrific feedback about your employees’ priorities. Don’t expect to get a consistent group answer, however. One of your managerial goals ought to be knowing each of your people well enough that you can thank them in the way they will most appreciate.

If you are thoughtful and consistent about expressing gratitude, one benefit you can expect is your people will likely start thanking and appreciating one another more often as well. Whether you realize it each day or not, your habits as a manager rub off on your employees and create the culture of your work group. You may have learned to say “thank you” as a habit by the time you hit first grade, but now it’s time to be more purposeful about the way you use the words.

*Beck, C. W. (2016). Perceptions of thanks in the workplace: Use, effectiveness, and dark sides of managerial gratitude. Corporate Communication: An International Journal (21, 3): 333-351.