Becoming Personally Confident

Since my focus this month is the importance of confident leaders, I want to use this post to share my own journey with confidence.

I’ve struggled with self-confidence most of my life. One of my college debate coaches described me as wrapped in a cocoon of doubt – a state that kept me from truly seeing the world and others in it. My cocoon was vivacious and seemed socially astute and accepted – but inside, I was keenly aware of playing a role.  And terrified that I’d forget my lines at any moment.

I was “on guard,” in a state of perpetual stress. It’s exhausting to be constantly surveying your surroundings, looking for people and situations from which you need self-protection. But that barrier I erected also kept me from letting people in – I thought that if they know what I was “really like” they’d likely run away laughing. So for years I hid in the cocoon, lonely and exhausted. 

I turned 57 years old this past July 21. I can’t tell you I’m “over” my confidence shortage, but I have found ways to deal with it. So in the spirit of sharing what has worked for me, here’s some confidence-developing tips.

Focus on other people

It seems a little counter-intuitive but hear me out. Focusing on other people takes your attention away from your own insecurities. You also learn that you’re not alone in your insecurity, which is surprisingly comforting.

When you’re generous with your time and attention, and others are appreciative, you develop a positive identity. You start to see yourself as a “good person” – the kind of human who buys extra milk when it’s on sale and drops it off at the local daycare. (I haven’t done this one yet…but it’s one of my father’s favorite “give back” strategies – he buys blankets on sale for homeless shelters too.) Think of creative ways to think of others.

Present your best self

What colors make you feel confident? Which shirt in your closet makes you feel you could conquer the world? Wear them. A lot.

This is psychologically similar to what Amy Cuddy talks about in her amazing 2012 Ted Talk “Your body language shapes who you are” (that’s the one where the world learned the phrase “power pose”). Sure, I still spend plenty of days in yoga pants and a sweatshirt covered in dog hair. But taking the time to recognize my own preferences for clothing and being conscious of how they make me feel has been enlightening. 

Don’t get me wrong – it isn’t really about the clothes. It’s about the process of recognizing how it feels to feel good. 

You can get the same feeling by choosing “walking music.” I think this came to me from the Ally McBeal TV show, but it’s the idea that you should have a theme song playing in your head that gives you confidence. I’ve found two: Carl Carlton’s “Bad Mama Jama” and my cousin Crystal Lewis’ “Dancing Through Tunnels.” Sure, the music makes you feel great. But going through the process of listening to lots of music to find just the right song is affirming as well.

Finish something

I used to start all kind of projects, pick up lots of new hobbies, only to abandon them when they got difficult. Then I forced myself to finish my first knitting project. It was not what you’d call a work of art. But it was a warm, serviceable scarf in colors I like. And wearing it gave me a sense of accomplishment.

Every time I cook a new recipe, learn a new yoga pose, or even write a new blog post, I feel better about myself. Yes, part of it is the process of self-discovery in each of these activities. But I also cherish the accomplishment. Find things to do, and finish them. When repeated over and over, that sense of accomplishment becomes part of your psyche.

Work on self-efficacy

Self-esteem is the general sense that we’re worthwhile, valuable human beings.

Self-efficacy relates to specific activities – when it’s high, we believe we can successfully accomplish something what we set out to do.

I learned to be conscious of my self-efficacy moments. Whether teaching a class where I know I can make the subject come alive, tackling a complicated recipe, or even teaching one of my dogs a trick, I try to take a moment to bask in the sensation of knowing I can do something well. When you get that feeling, wallow in it. Recognize how wonderful it feels to know you can do something well.

Talk about it

Therapy has also been a big part of my recovery – so I’m a huge proponent of talking to professionals when you need their help. You’ll find relief in naming and examining your feelings. It also helps to have someone you know loves you unconditionally (I’m talking about you, Peter Goerner) who will listen to your self-doubt and help you through it.

I want Millennials to be confident leaders because I believe it will make the world a better place. But I also want people to find the gift of confidence. Too many of us spend too much time wrapped in a cocoon. 

Trust yourself. It’s safer outside than you think.