SOAR to Likeability

Think back to the last few times you did a favor for someone else.

Why did you do it?

Did they pay you? Coerce you? Convince you?

Chances are all they did was ask. Most of the time, we do favors for people simply because we like them. Likeability is a strong source of personal power. 

In 1959, John French and Bertram Raven published a comprehensive study of power, defining it as the potential to influence someone else. They identified six bases of power, and while they never specified one as stronger than another, I’ve always found referent power to be the most compelling. It comes from our feelings of personal connection to others. Bottom line: when we like someone, we’re likely to be influenced by them.

Likeability is also a relatively easy power to develop. Here’s some concrete hints. To remember them, just think of the acronym SOAR.

S = Safety. Psychological safety, that is. We like people we can be comfortable with. As Lee Hamilton, one of Indiana’s finest political leaders, put it when speaking to one of my classes: “Your job is to make everyone in the room comfortable.” That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Instead, focus on making them feel safe enough to open up a real conversation.

You can cultivate the talent of making others feel safe by:

• Being consistent. People relax when they know what to expect. This doesn’t mean to pretend you’re happy every day – but that whenever possible and appropriate, you should be in control of your emotional reactions. If you fly off the handle at bad news, or are inappropriately angry with a slow food server, you make it difficult for the people with you to relax.

• Speaking positively of others. While gossip can make it feel like you’re bonding, it doesn’t engender trust. Nor does it reflect well on you. Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology points out that when you point out someone else’s bad traits, listeners associate those same traits with you, not the person you’re discussing.

• Using friendly non-verbal communication. Try this experiment – smile at strangers, and watch how many spontaneously smile back. An open posture and eye contact shows the other person you’re engaged.

O = Open-Minded. Let me repeat: you don’t have to agree with everything you hear. But it’s one thing to agree to disagree with someone, and quite another to start sentences with, “You should….” In his book Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradberry advises that likeability is enhanced when you simply let other people be who they are.

A = Attention. As in giving someone your genuine interest. Likeable people are wonderful listeners. They focus on conversations without constantly checking their phones or scanning the room.  They ask thoughtful follow-up questions and truly want to learn something new. I’m not suggesting you conduct a one-sided interview, but instead focus on what you hear and ask questions as they naturally occur. Research confirms a relationship between asking questions – particularly engaged follow-up questions – and likeability.

R = Reciprocity. It’s a true but simple adage: we like people who like us. So if you want to cultivate likeability, the most direct route is to look for something in the other person that you can genuinely like and admire. Seek common ground. 

I’m not suggesting it’s your job to be liked, nor do I believe you should act as someone you’re not to create relationships. Using the power of likeability is a choice. If you choose to embrace it, just remember to SOAR.