Taking Empathy Step by Step
“Leadership is about empathy. It is about having the ability to relate to and connect with people for the purpose of inspiring and empowering their lives.”
These words from Oprah Winfrey explain why truly effective leaders have well-developed empathy skills. Empathy – the ability to see the world from someone else’s perspective – is a cornerstone of leadership and motivation. When we understand how others see the world, we’re better able to communicate in terms they understand. We know what rewards will make them happiest, which means we motivate more effectively.
In addition to making us better leaders and persuaders, empathy also forges stronger personal relationships. People high in empathy can develop stronger relationships with their colleagues because they see how their actions and words affect other people. When you have empathy, people want you work with you. You’re comfortable to be with. You help others relax, knowing they’re heard and understood.
Be sure not to confuse empathy with other behaviors. It isn’t offering advice or telling someone to “get over it.” It isn’t solving the other person’s problems, nor is it feeling sorry for them. Instead, empathy is understanding what someone else feels in the moment. It’s being present. Showing compassion. Understanding what the other person is going through.
While it’s true that empathy comes more naturally to some people than to others, it is a skill you can consciously develop. These exercises can help:
1-Learn about different people. Watch movies or read books with characters who don’t share your background or values. Try to place yourself in the story. Travel also helps develop empathy because we have to adapt to new surroundings, and we’re more aware of what’s going on around us in unfamiliar places. My husband Peter and I make it a practice to get as immersed as possible wherever we go – avoiding chain restaurants and staying in neighborhoods rather than large hotels. I think we get a better sense of both the place and the people who live there.
2-Give meaningful compliments. The things we appreciate about other people may not be the things they value most about themselves. So make it a point to verbally appreciate things you know are meaningful to the other person. My cousin is an amazing singer, but she’s equally proud of her songwriting abilities (and has 3 grammy nominations to prove she’s good at it!). She appreciates knowing you enjoyed her performance, but telling Crystal her musical creation was meaningful to you is a compliment she’ll feel more deeply.
3-Make a movie in your mind. Next time you’re in a meeting, look at the scene as if you’re shooting a movie. One by one, look at everyone in the room and imagine the scene from their vantage point. What does this meeting mean to them? Is it a big deal or routine? What do you think their goals are? When you can see an event from a variety of perspectives, you become a more flexible thinker.
Here’s an exercise I use with my students. First, I ask them, “What is the Super Bowl?” They’ll of course tell me it’s a championship football game. But when I press further, they also realize the Super Bowl is many things to many people. It’s when new commercials are aired. It’s an amazing halftime concert. It’s an excuse to throw a party and make hot wings. When you can see an event from multiple vantage points, you’ll get more comfortable with the idea that there are lots of different ways to experience and interpret the world.
4-Be emotionally generous. Rather than being jealous of someone else’s accomplishments, really try to appreciate their joy. It turns out that people who feel envy have a hard time feeling empathy. But when you understand how someone else experiences success, you become more attuned to others’ emotions and your relationships get deeper. So honestly support and celebrate with others when things go right.
Empathy is like a muscle – you have to work to develop it, but once it’s strong it will become a habit you depend upon daily. So practice. You’ll find the connections with other people well worth the effort.